31, for what its worth

31
it was a hell of a ride
but i would also like to say sorry.
for a minute it seemed like i would never sleep on my own bed and i'll admit that it began to wear.
some beds were comfortable but others were slabs of cold porcelain. 
im not complaining.
i chose the life and i've given up alot to be missing the simple vanity of a comfy bed;
although its nice. 

the last breath i remember taking was back in february
when i hopped on a flight to kona, 
then galapagos, 
san blas islands came next and so on. 
i met some amazing people along the way, some that i'll probably catch up with later in life.

thats kind of how it works. i meet amazing people in crazy circumstances, bond over drink and travel and we say our "catch you on the next one"
at that the moment i find myself inside drinking tea in my beautiful los angeles and it feels strange.
i haven't been home for my birthday in years. 
the feeling is strange but feel good knowing that im going to see my family tonight. 
31
for what its worth, you made me into a stronger man. ive grown the courage and ability to say no to the wrong jobs, bad relationships and youve affirmed that i can do whatever i put my mind to. 
im going to miss you, for some reason 32 definitely feels so much serious. 
i guess we will have to see 

spirit of the season

i live in a city where i hardly sense the changing of the seasons. for the most part things are relatively warm to scorching hot with a mild sprinkle of relative cold. things hardly change and ive always been a fan. but while our weather might not change as much, life does.
there is no forecast model, doppler or radar that can detect the next catastrophe.
life always finds a way to remind us that change isn't something simply confined by the falling of the leaves; that when you least expect it life will burst in and rudely remind you to buckle up.

last night, as my family and i finished eating and celebrating my little sister's 13th bday, we got news that my grandma's husband, (practically my grandfather) tony was shot 3 times in front of his house. he made it to the front porch where my grandma brought him in and called the paramedics. over the last 3 years my grandma has been in & out of the hospital and she's had a few operations for a weak heart. a few hours after the shots rang my grandma had a minor heart attack but luckily she was already at the hospital. nonetheless things did not look good.

a few days ago we were all eating thanksgiving dinner at the house. tony, eating like it was his last meal. grandma making 3 different batches of tamales. my sisters and brother in law joking with each other and telling stories with my parents. now i'm here seeing it all play in my head and i cant help but think that all of this will also pass. in the midst of this calamity i need to remind myself that God is in control and that He is good. He also speaks through these circumstances and so here goes & comes another season of change. 

the sound of rubble & ash

its been a month since i woke up in the city of chicago. for some odd reason i was up way before my alarm went off. aron and brianne were still sleeping so i quietly packed my gear and stepped into the calm and breezy morning. it wouldve been a nice walk to the L but i hopped on an uber instead. halfway to o'hare was when it hit me that it was august 1st.

a day before chicago i was in the city of denver packing my gear and saying goodbye to the crew of the untitled denver project. we shot for nearly a month and through the course of some strange and unorthodox storytelling, i feel like we all made something very beautiful together. the wrap party really got going around midnight and after some tense moments and hearty goodbyes, i took off, picked up my gear, and went straight to the airport. it was 6am, i was exhausted but somehow managed to make it sort of on-time. tsa was crazy but after a few minutes in i completely zoned out. the next thing i remember is sitting in 12E getting ready to take off. as we climbed through the clouds i began to think of the last 12 months. 

a year ago i was in a similar situation. it was morning and i was headed to the airport. but instead of a calm breeze, i walked into the busy and sweltering morning of singapore.

i was a complete and utter mess. 

id just broken things off with my gf in the worst imaginable way. i paced back and forth outside her condo a few times torn at what i was about to do. as i made my way through the swarms of singaporeans riding the MRT, i began to feel invisible; kind of like marty in back to the future, you know, the part where he almost doesnt get his parents to kiss?

august 1st, 2014 mustve been the longest and most agonizing day of my life. longest because id spent that day in both changi and hong kong airports for almost 24 hours over some freaky weather delays. when i actually landed in lax it was morning and august 1st had just begun! it all felt like one huge cosmic joke. through the course of that long long day i also had to live with the fact that i just ended things with someone i loved, the girl i was going to marry and have bi-racial babies with.

i ultimately chose my career over amerie and even though she roams the halls of my heart, i knew i had to take care of myself first. there were and still are many aspects of who i am that need work and amerie pointed alot of this out to me. i owe her alot and for that i will always be indebted to her. during these 12 months ive given myself completely to my craft, which has challenged me in many ways to say the least. ive also become closer to my family, which was something that was lacking for a while. more importantly though my faith has been strengthened and the realization of how infinitely short i fall has renewed my spirit and strengthened my resolve to be better. 

my twenties were mostly all about experiencing and seeing new places, things i read about in my social studies class and it was all fun. but fun only got me so far and if thats all youre looking for then youre probably going to hurt someone you love and live a lonely life looking at your instagram pictures. im looking forward to changing gears and seeing were these thirties lead me to. God bless!