the sound of rubble & ash

its been a month since i woke up in the city of chicago. for some odd reason i was up way before my alarm went off. aron and brianne were still sleeping so i quietly packed my gear and stepped into the calm and breezy morning. it wouldve been a nice walk to the L but i hopped on an uber instead. halfway to o'hare was when it hit me that it was august 1st.

a day before chicago i was in the city of denver packing my gear and saying goodbye to the crew of the untitled denver project. we shot for nearly a month and through the course of some strange and unorthodox storytelling, i feel like we all made something very beautiful together. the wrap party really got going around midnight and after some tense moments and hearty goodbyes, i took off, picked up my gear, and went straight to the airport. it was 6am, i was exhausted but somehow managed to make it sort of on-time. tsa was crazy but after a few minutes in i completely zoned out. the next thing i remember is sitting in 12E getting ready to take off. as we climbed through the clouds i began to think of the last 12 months. 

a year ago i was in a similar situation. it was morning and i was headed to the airport. but instead of a calm breeze, i walked into the busy and sweltering morning of singapore.

i was a complete and utter mess. 

id just broken things off with my gf in the worst imaginable way. i paced back and forth outside her condo a few times torn at what i was about to do. as i made my way through the swarms of singaporeans riding the MRT, i began to feel invisible; kind of like marty in back to the future, you know, the part where he almost doesnt get his parents to kiss?

august 1st, 2014 mustve been the longest and most agonizing day of my life. longest because id spent that day in both changi and hong kong airports for almost 24 hours over some freaky weather delays. when i actually landed in lax it was morning and august 1st had just begun! it all felt like one huge cosmic joke. through the course of that long long day i also had to live with the fact that i just ended things with someone i loved, the girl i was going to marry and have bi-racial babies with.

i ultimately chose my career over amerie and even though she roams the halls of my heart, i knew i had to take care of myself first. there were and still are many aspects of who i am that need work and amerie pointed alot of this out to me. i owe her alot and for that i will always be indebted to her. during these 12 months ive given myself completely to my craft, which has challenged me in many ways to say the least. ive also become closer to my family, which was something that was lacking for a while. more importantly though my faith has been strengthened and the realization of how infinitely short i fall has renewed my spirit and strengthened my resolve to be better. 

my twenties were mostly all about experiencing and seeing new places, things i read about in my social studies class and it was all fun. but fun only got me so far and if thats all youre looking for then youre probably going to hurt someone you love and live a lonely life looking at your instagram pictures. im looking forward to changing gears and seeing were these thirties lead me to. God bless!

un poquito de quito y lo demas: pt. 2

ecuador: galapagos, center of the earth, lizards, evolution, mutants.

these are the images that came to mind whenever ecuador would come up. volcanos and glaciers were not. these were the last things i expected to see or even climb during my stay but thats exactly what happened. the next morning we were off to cotopaxi volcano but not before hopping a cab and checking out the basilica del voto nacional. 

its probably the most beautiful church i've been in south america. we must've been the first ones in, nobody was there and it was great! we climbed all the way up, up some dodgy stairs into open air, and took in our last moments of quito.

it took us a little over 2 painful hours to get to cotopaxi from quito. the journey was not the most pleasant and in particular the last hour when the road becomes unpaved. bryson and i stayed at the secret garden: cotopaxi, which is the same hostel chain we stayed at in quito. this hostel was definitely a step up from the rest of the hostels i've stayed in south america in terms of cleanliness, amenities and facilities (up to par with portuguese hostels for sure). what truly sets this hostel apart was the view though. when its clear the view of the volcano is breathtaking 

we made some swiss, mexican, venezuelan and of course australian friends the first night, went on a hike, i jumped off a 15 ft. bitter cold waterfall and spent the following day doing absolutely nothing. doing nothing was something i had been looking forward to and so while bryson went off horseback riding, i stayed and read paolo coehllo's the alchemist made some new friends, and drank tea the whole day.  

the next day we were up early and headed to cotopaxi. my ears were hurting and already was having shortness of breath; we weren't even out of the van yet! not sure whether i was being a big sissy or whether the elements were to blame. i looked around our group and saw that everyone seemed ok...

we drove up to 14,000 ft. and began our trek up the volcano and to the glaciar. the bottom of the glaciar hanged at 15,000 ft. and at first glance, the ascent doesn't seem intimidating. its pretty straightforward with no deep ravines, or crazy switchbacks. but looks can be very deceiving and fatal. carlos, our ecuadorian guide, was telling me that several people usually die from heart attacks during the climb, being that they don't let their bodies acclimate long enough. comforting 

i began my trek dandy and strong but at 100 ft. i hit a wall. the next 700 ft. were pure hell. 

as i climbed higher a new pain would emerge. my chest was on fire, my calves deadlocked, my core cramped, my thighs jello, my lungs squeezed like a raisin. with every step i took the ground would dissolve and take me two steps back, like i was doing it on quicksand. 

this climb had to be one of the toughest things i've done and many times i questioned whether i could actually do it. there came a point where i stopped looking forward because it seemed like i made no progress. eventually my biggest enemy became my mind so i stopped looking forward and channeled my sight at looking only at my next step. 

when i finally reached the top, i stepped to the side and i welled up a bit; it was a mixture of alot. exhaustion, relief, surprise. 

besides the constant reminders of my mortality, there came a point as i climbed up the volcano where i descended deeper into my heart and reflected.

i have no doubt that God has ordained every single event and circumstance that's been placed forth in my life. the good, the bad, the horrible, all of it. and the climb was a beautiful reminder that He is completely in control, even when i get brave at 99 ft. God has always been there patiently waiting at 100 ft. with hands wide open.

the view from the top was unreal and was only heightened by God's incredible grace and mercy dispalyed in my life. a few minutes later, after having caught my breath, my phone briefly got reception and i received a text from my mother that a good friend of the family, Francisco Magallanes, had an unfortunate accident and passed away. he was good man, a Godly and kind man who I have no doubt will be seeing again.

the climb down was quick but dangerous. one slip and there wasn't really anything that would stop you from picking up speed and tumbling all the way down. it began to rain the last 30 ft. and by the time i got inside the van, the thick clouds were speedily billowing through the parking lot and i quickly blacked out.

the next morning, we were dropped off by carlos' son on the side of the road in machachi were bryson and i hopped on a bus to baños. 

my darkest coldest week

a few weeks ago i found myself a few thousands miles south of home in patagonia, argentina and along the way i stopped to check out the perito moreno glacier. to those who never been, the experience is nothing short of magnificent, one that will definitely live with me forever. i remember how the ice fell, tiny bits at first. but as those pieces slowly began to fall, bigger and bigger ones also began to drop. the crowds quickly took notice and they all gathered with cameras raised high. they waited and waited, i waited but nothing happened; the ice held. so the people left and went about their business.


i stayed.
i just knew that there was no way in hell that mountain of ice was going to hold. i waited and nothing, i couldn't believe it! i studied the area closely, the pattern in which the ice fell, where the ice was chipping away from, saw how dark and dirty the ice around the area had become, this had to be it. all around me i could hear the gasps of others as more ice mounds fell into the murky lake. i was not impressed



 i waited and waited and began to lose hope that this was ever going to happen. but then the sun came out of the clouds, it was gentle and warm. the sun's rays must've helped because soon after this 60-ft wall began to fall. the sound was so loud and it created mini tsunamis across the lake. the awe was short-lived though, i don't know it all just became so sad to me. who knows for how long this giant sheet of ice had been standing for. it just seemed so depressing at the time to see it go under. soon after as the dirty wall laid waste in the murk, my eyes were instantly drawn to what was now before me. there was a new wall with no dirt with no imperfections, it was clear and pure. in it was one of the most beautiful blues that i had ever seen and i just could not get over it. the glow was unreal.


magnificent as all of this was, the foreshadowing of it all is even greater and it is now that i clearly see God's hand in all of it. two weeks ago my life began to slowly crumble and fall into a cold and lonely abyss. it felt as if the pieces would never stop chipping away but eventually the mountain inside of me came crashing down and with it my selfish and stubborn heart, the hate, everything, it all went down.

seven days ago i didn't know what kind of man i was going to be. i was in a dark place, i was alone and the lights were definitely out. so i did what i was taught as a young boy, i got on my knees and i prayed. the God of my youth, the one who would miraculously provide me with random rides back home from late night football practices, the one who kept me safe on a 10-hour train ride from kiev to odessa, the one who didn't let me drown and let the rip current take me away in busan, the one who had me be 10 minutes late to my lunch and miss the cross-hairs of the lax shooter, this same God began to do his mighty work in me. He is my master Surgeon and the only one that could ever get me through this.

i don't deserve the amount of grace that's been given to me but i'm definitely not mad about it. its easy to focus on what's on the outside but looking beyond and seeing what truly matters, what glows and what will last forever, that's what it's all about.
if you know me, keep me in your prayers, if you don't then please start and add me to your line-up. i most def need it